Voleda

If there's one thing that I hate, it's being deceived. Today I experienced the ultimate deception at Robert Crown Center for Health Education. After driving in a bus filled with children for an hour I was crammed into a dusty old auditorium where I was lectured on different germs, which turned out to be adorable hand puppets. Deception number 1. Then, I was shown a video about the five senses hosted by ancient cartoon celebrity.... drum roll please... JIMINY CRICKET! Apparently the Robert Crown Center is confident that very little has changed since 1940 and kids born in 2001 still know who the hell Jiminy Cricket is. Crick went on an on about how crickets hear out of their shins... actually wording... only to cup his hand around the side of his head where an ear would be in order to hear his friend several times during the movie. Deception number 2.

Finally, I was told that I was going to meet a very special woman that was waiting for me behind a thick blue curtain. I was also told not to laugh when she talks about her anus and vagina (no joke). I thought for sure a prostitute was going to be revealed in mere moments. Up went the curtain, leaving my eyes to feast on 6 feet of pure transparent glass/aluminum/plastic woman. Deception number 3. She introduced herself as Voleda and told me that she was just like my mommy. Well Voleda, last time I checked I couldn't see MY mommy's boobie tissue and uterus through her glass skin. Deception number 4. She then proceded to bore us all with 30 minutes of talking about all of her organs and where her poop goes. Turns out Voleda came from Germany in 1959 and has been entertaining youngsters ever since. Sounds like a prostitute to me.... I love field trips!

A Girl Without a Plan

It was really nice of JET to send me a letter while I was relaxing on a Tuesday night.  I had only one fear.  I didn't fear not getting into the program and I certainly didn't fear GETTING in.  What I feared was being stuck in limbo.  I was placed on he alternate list.  The alternate list basically means that I am somewhere on a list of people who may or may not be asked to come to Japan if one of the truly desired people quits or dies.  If I keep myself on the alternate list they can call me any time between now and December and tell me that I'm leaving for Japan.  They can give me from a day to a months time to sort my life out before I leave.  I would have the pleasure of not being able to move or get a steady job in hopes that I will be in Japan some time in the next 6 months (since the starting date of the program... for the winners... is July 25th.)  As appealing as that sounds, I will have to pass. 

What now?  Who knows. 

DUD

I dodge being productive in many different ways. This morning I did some math on Japan. I uploaded the interview sheet from February online. Each person is given a number and the seven different sheets held a total of 44 groups of 8 people... or 352 people per sheet, 2,464 people total minus the 42 missing from the last page... a grand total of 2,422 people.

A chart on JET's website tells me that last year JET took 2,681 people from the United States. With that said, I would like to bet that unless I am a total dud, I will be accepted.

Back to work.

Good day.

McMahon-San

It occurred to me the other day that I have been too busy going on about my obsessions with food and randomness to even post about the interview that I landed with the JET program. It was about a month and a half ago, but I can still remember that it went well. Aside from the question regarding my savage country and its bombing shenanigans back in Hiroshima, it was really light hearted and positive! I think I wowed them with my sharp wit and my honesty regarding the fact that I don't even quite know how to say "hello" in Japanese. Whatever... it's not like I'll be too busy learning my way around, adapting to a new culture, learning how to pee while standing up, without too much splash back I might add, in public bathrooms, making friends as to avoid an entire year of isolation, and brushing up on my Katana skills to learn the language, ya know? Long story short, the interview went well and I even met some people that didn't look like they had wet dreams about Monga every night! CHECK PLUS!



I am supposed to find out... well... NOW whether or not I am Japan bound. Each day I run to my mailbox in search of a rice paper letter or a small folded up Japanese man that will inevitably inform me of my fate. Stay tuned. I have a feeling that the Ed McMahon of Japan is on his way to my house... MAYBE TODAY!?

McMahon-San

Hope I don't run out of toiletries any time soon!

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Everyone's always braggin' bout bein' vegan...

I won't lie. I spend an embarrassingly large amount of time purusing foodie blogs. I have found a line up that I enjoy. Some of the women are very witty, and all of them eat oatmeal. Due to the fiber content and it's ability to not only "clean me out" AND keep me full, I am thankful for the peer pressure to start eating more oats.

Anyway. In route to my favorite blogs I often stumble upon blogs that piss me off. These blogs are always have vegan authors who act like their little vegan poops don't stink. They probably stink more if you really think about it! These authors make everyone feel fat and barbaric. The pictures they post are typically meticulously arranged piles of spinach and carrots... something pretty for the camera. Then, in the text, they'll go on and on about how they wish there were more vegan restaurants in their town or how if they ate a bowl of ice cream they would just EXPLODE! Today I got to thinking. I'm a vegan most of the time. That's right. Full blown began 95% of the time. From Sunday until today I have not ingested a single non-vegan item. No dairy. No meat. No eggs. I haven't had so much as one spoonful of ice cream, one cookie, or one sprinkle of cheese. It is important to include that this was all completely by mistake. I in no way attempted to eat vegan and I will in no way brag about my "accomplishments". It's not that hard and you don't have to devote your life to the act of being vegan. I'm just sayin'.

You're welcome little animals of the world. You're welcome.

MY EYES ARE MELTING!!!

Kids will go to great lengths to avoid completing an arduous task such as reading a 50 word book. They will come into your classroom screaming at the top of their lungs. They will claim that their eyes are, in fact, MELTING. Now, "my eyes are melting" is just a fancy shmancy way of saying "I'm crying uncontrollably because my teacher ACTUALLY expects me to READ!" READ!? IN SCHOOL?! WITH MY EYES!? That's the worst part!!!

Perhaps this all goes back to my previous blog where I mentioned being known as "Helga the Strong German" for the majority of my life, but I have a difficult time giving pity to most children. I don't think I'm doing anyone any favors by letting my "eyes melt" right next to the kid. Three teachers will inevitably come running after the child prepared with different speeches to console him and offers to use as slick bribery. "Can I get you a tissue for your melting eyes my dear?" "If you read for me I'll give you a big ol' sticker wicker!" "Please, please, please, read to me, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!" The last statement is said with intense melting eyes from a grown woman. At this point, the little 5 year old has it made. He's livin' on easy street. Everyone is mere putty in his unnecessarily sweaty/sticky jam hands. Bravo folks... see ya all back here tomorrow?

So bring it on kids. Bring the whole laundry list. Your stomach hurts? Your throat? Oh your elbow too!? Too bad! Suck it up! YOU'RE READIN'!